I'm a Music Therapist

I’m an introvert through and through, with the test scores to prove it: I scored in the 12th percentile for the Extraversion trait on a version of the Big 5 Personality Test. I’m very capable and happy to spend a lot of time by myself (even in public of all places) and being an introvert is something I’ve written and spoken about on several occasions. When I give talks about the advantages of being an introverted music therapist, several people usually stop me in the hallway and share how much they needed to hear that their introversion was valid within the music therapy profession. What I wrote in my previous blog post 8 years ago about being an introverted music therapist is still true, but it was just a single stage in my development. 

Being able to say that I was okay with being an introvert took a lot of growth after a few years of social anxiety from high school I needed to work through. When Susan Cain’s book Quiet was published in 2012, it was a revelation for me. Reading the book allowed me to come to terms with and accept my introvertedness when I got my first music therapy job that required me to lead large music groups on a daily basis. There were days when I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to make it as a music therapist with all the large-group interaction, but owning my introvertedness gave me validation and allowed me to make more authentic choices for how I did or did not interact with the world. 

But by owning my introvertedness, I became too tied to this part of my identity to the point where I wasn’t growing. I didn’t fully appreciate that sometimes being an introvert does not serve what I want in life. Acting too much like an introvert (which is more comfortable) led me to become isolated at times and stunted my development as a clinician. This blog post is about the next stage of my development as an introvert, one in which I’ve lived through my downfalls of being an introvert, and learned the ropes of acting like an extrovert.

In my late 20s, I started making a very conscious effort to get better at all those stereotypically extroverted behaviors that I had previously written off as frivolous: smiling at people when I meet them, initiating and learning into conversations with strangers, and prioritizing going out with other people (even when I don’t feel like it). It’s true that I don’t owe these social behaviors to anyone, but I’ve come to realize that I owe to myself. Being able to step into my extroverted persona has given me more power than by simply staying with behavior patterns that are easy to me.  And, I’d venture that my fake extroverting has been pretty successful. I’ve gotten the comment several times people wouldn’t have guessed that I was an introvert at all. And these compliments still mean a lot to me. 

Below are the top three advantages I’ve gathered personally and professionally from cultivating my extroverted qualities:

1. Acting extroverted supports my mental health

When I act too introverted, my mental health suffers. I first learned this lesson when I was traveling overseas for 3 weeks in my mid-20s. I’m very comfortable traveling alone, and maybe a little too comfortable at times. I didn’t initiate conversations with anyone unless it was essential because I felt like I had a right to refuse social interaction. In some ways putting a hard boundary on who I interacted with felt safe. But two weeks in, I began getting very grumpy over nothing. People walking “too slow,” a small mistake in my lunch order, and other little things would get me frustrated almost immediately. It was my first clue that even as an introvert, making connections is still essential for my mental health, even if the dosage is lower than it is for most other people. 

As such, I now make sure to call a friend or family member on days when I work from home, I try not to turn down social invitations unless it’s absolutely essential, and I try to act more friendly and pleasant when interacting with strangers in public. And magically, my life feels easier much of the time. For me, shutting out the world felt like I was holding back the tide. Now that I’m “going with the (social) flow,” I don’t have to expend as much energy to protect my energy. 

2. Acting extroverted opens opportunities I wouldn’t otherwise seen

In general, organization and detailed make me feel more secure, but some of the actions I took in the name of being an introvert were really about maintaining control over a situation (“I don’t have to talk to or smile at you, so I won’t!). I wrongly assumed that I could predict exactly how someone would act and what their relevance to my life would be. My belief was very wrong. This tendency in part came from the social anxiety I lived with as a teenager. Back then, interacting with others felt so unpredictable and scary that I became largely biased against making new social connections, no matter how small. But, when I started practicing the skills that made it easier for me to connect with others, I noticed so many benefits. I’ve been happily surprised with how wrong I can be about people. I’ve met important people in my life that I wouldn’t have otherwise sought out, learned from more diverse perspectives that make me a better person and professional, and have had more fun than I would have had alone.

3. Acting extroverted can be better for my clients

Sometimes my clients don’t need me to be an introvert. Last year in my clinical practice, I began working with a handful of individual clients that have limited verbal communication (my modus operandi) and live their lives in relative isolation from others. If I acted like the introvert version of myself, the introvert effect would be compounded and wouldn’t ultimately serve the clients. The extroverted version of myself is more enthusiastic and sillier and more embodied than when I’m in introvert mode. This way of engaging gives my clients the permission to act this way themselves and deepens our therapeutic relationship. This is better for everyone!

All this to say, my extroverted self is still me. I’m not at all about putting up a front and being inauthentic, but honing my ability to step into and out of my introvertedness to best meet a given situation has been an entire journey.